When Soup Kills

I thought I was alone. At first I tried to hide the fact that I'm domestically challenged, but it was like trying to hide an elephant under the bed, it just couldn't be done. I must have a pretty severe case. I won't even mention cleaning or sewing, one can survive without those skills, but if you happen to find yourself alone and hungry what do you do?

I'm a woman with above average intelligence, I hold several advanced degrees, am well respected and sought out in my professional life, so I should be able to feed myself, right? Let's face it, women who are not very bright can cook delicious and varied meals for families and friends. To add to my shame, even men can do it; so how hard can it really be?

I tried using the stove. After I got the can open (and you don't even want to know how long it took me to master the can opener) and poured it in the pot, I put it on the stove and waited for my delicious self-made meal of soup. Twenty minutes later it was still cold. Another fifteen minutes and no heat. What was I doing wrong? Finally I figured out I had neglected to turn on the thing under the pot that makes it hot...I forget what it's called. I'm so proud to have solved this problem on my own, I now thought I had this cooking thing down. Imagine my dismay when the damn soup still wasn't even lukewarm. But wait, I felt heat, then I discovered I turned on the thing that goes under the pot that makes it hot....but there are four of these things and I have turned on the wrong one. I'm getting closer.

Now I knew it was just a matter of time before I had my delicious meal of soup, so in preparation I took a bowl from the cupboard and set it on the stove next to the pot of soon to be steaming hot soup. I was so hungry my mouth was watering. Thinking of that old adage about how a watched pot never boils...now I know exactly what that means...I decided to sit down and relax with a book while I waited. Several minutes later I heard a loud crash, and I looked up just in time to see the burnt shards of my soup bowl exploding from the stove top. At this point I probably should have called in a professional, but shaking, I very cautiously approached the stove to investigate the situation. Some of the pieces of the burnt bowl had actually melted the vinyl where they landed on the floor. Now I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but as best I could tell, I had yet again turned on the wrong heating thingie, which turned out to be the one I'd set the bowl on rather than the one on which the still cold soup pot rested. Realizing had I not walked away from the stove to relax, I could have been severely injured, possibly even killed had I been closer to ground zero. I had no idea that cooking could be so dangerous. I've learned my lesson and the only thing I will ever again make for dinner will be reservations, or a phone order. For emergencies thank goodness I'm taking a course in the operation of a microwave for heating frozen dinners. After I take the advanced session I will, under supervision at first, be ready to do microwave cooking.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that people need to be educated about this syndrome and as my story illustrates, it should by no means be taken lightly. It is a very serious, debilitating, and yes, LIFE THREATENING condition.
Joan