Monday, July 23, 2012

When Soup Kills

I thought I was alone. At first I tried to hide the fact that I'm domestically challenged, but it was like trying to hide an elephant under the bed, it just couldn't be done. I must have a pretty severe case. I won't even mention cleaning or sewing, one can survive without those skills, but if you happen to find yourself alone and hungry what do you do?

I'm a woman with above average intelligence, I hold several advanced degrees, am well respected and sought out in my professional life, so I should be able to feed myself, right? Let's face it, women who are not very bright can cook delicious and varied meals for families and friends. To add to my shame, even men can do it; so how hard can it really be?

I tried using the stove. After I got the can open (and you don't even want to know how long it took me to master the can opener) and poured it in the pot, I put it on the stove and waited for my delicious self-made meal of soup. Twenty minutes later it was still cold. Another fifteen minutes and no heat. What was I doing wrong? Finally I figured out I had neglected to turn on the thing under the pot that makes it hot...I forget what it's called. I'm so proud to have solved this problem on my own, I now thought I had this cooking thing down. Imagine my dismay when the damn soup still wasn't even lukewarm. But wait, I felt heat, then I discovered I turned on the thing that goes under the pot that makes it hot....but there are four of these things and I have turned on the wrong one. I'm getting closer.

Now I knew it was just a matter of time before I had my delicious meal of soup, so in preparation I took a bowl from the cupboard and set it on the stove next to the pot of soon to be steaming hot soup. I was so hungry my mouth was watering. Thinking of that old adage about how a watched pot never I know exactly what that means...I decided to sit down and relax with a book while I waited. Several minutes later I heard a loud crash, and I looked up just in time to see the burnt shards of my soup bowl exploding from the stove top. At this point I probably should have called in a professional, but shaking, I very cautiously approached the stove to investigate the situation. Some of the pieces of the burnt bowl had actually melted the vinyl where they landed on the floor. Now I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but as best I could tell, I had yet again turned on the wrong heating thingie, which turned out to be the one I'd set the bowl on rather than the one on which the still cold soup pot rested. Realizing had I not walked away from the stove to relax, I could have been severely injured, possibly even killed had I been closer to ground zero. I had no idea that cooking could be so dangerous. I've learned my lesson and the only thing I will ever again make for dinner will be reservations, or a phone order. For emergencies thank goodness I'm taking a course in the operation of a microwave for heating frozen dinners. After I take the advanced session I will, under supervision at first, be ready to do microwave cooking.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that people need to be educated about this syndrome and as my story illustrates, it should by no means be taken lightly. It is a very serious, debilitating, and yes, LIFE THREATENING condition.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

How to Charcook Aparagus

Fill bottom of pot with water.

Put steamer in.

Put asparagus in.

Put on stove, turn knob to "medium low".

Leave kitchen and forget about it.

When you happen to come back to kitchen hours later, the asparagus will be perfectly crisp and black.


Wednesday, May 16, 2007


It has come to our attention that there has been some confusion between our subject, NDS (No Domestic Skills) and another all to common condition, NBS (No Brain Syndrome). I'm calling it to your attention to avoid any confusion the similarity might cause.

Symptoms for NBS include: vacant eyes, confusion, inability to use or comprehend language, acting irrationally among other things. Below is a picture of NBS in its most severe form. As you can see it is a very different disorder, and it's unfortunate that they have a similar acronym.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Beware The NDS Restaurant!

by angelica

as you might know i am in the city for a few days. this morning a friend and i went for breakfast in brooklyn. and it was so bad that i need to mention it here.
first the hostess tried to seat the people behind us before she seated us. then it took a half hour for the food to come out of the kitchen - only to be served to the people on the neighboring table. after they realized that they didn't order it the waitress took it away, brought it back into the kitchen, turned around and served it to us. when my friend pointed out that it is actually illegal to take food from other people's tables and serve it again she said they will fix new food but it'll take a while...
i asked for a refill of coffee and instead of getting a refill she brought me a new mug. i stirred my milk in and it turned out that an old lable from a honey bottle was floating IN the coffee. i still think they did it on purpose. the manager did not apologize, she just said that they are "having a bad day". not as bad as tomorrow when i'll alert the health inspectors!
beware this one: "two boots" on 2nd street just off 7th avenue in park slope, brooklyn.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Was It Her Fault?

by angelica

hi folks, i'm down in the city for a few days and happend to chance upon this window display up on madison avenue. now i am wondering if it wasn't my mother's fault that i am not more skillful in the kitchen because she never gave me one of these little toy kitchens to play in...

if that's the case she would of course not be able to answer the question on that wonderful mother's card that joan found.

i will keep you posted about what she said...

Saturday, April 28, 2007

I found the perfect mother's day card!

Front of Card

keep scrolling
Inside of Card